My friend Faye Barringer from Concord, NC knows I love a good story that has a rural and religious connection. So she sent me one last week that first caused me to laugh out loud. Then when I told it to my wife, Judy, it caused her to laugh out loud. This was notable because Judy usually just groans or ignores my endless yarning. So with this to commend it, I am passing the story along to you. The internet has become the “humor superhighway” so you would likely hear this from your minister soon anyway.

     It seems a young minister was asked by a funeral director to conduct a graveside service for a penniless man who had neither family nor friends either. The funeral was to be held in a new cemetery way out in the country. This man would be the first person to be buried there. Well, the minister, being unfamiliar with the backwoods got lost. Naturally, he did not stop and ask for directions. He finally came upon an open field in which sat a backhoe. He noticed an open grave and a digging crew sitting eating their lunch. He noticed that the hearse was not there but he looked into the grave and saw that the top of the concrete vault was already in place in the grave.

     He apologized to the crew and assured them that it would be a brief ceremony. They gathered around the grave and stood silently as the preacher began. He spoke about a “brighter tomorrow.” He gained volume and earnestness as he proceeded. The work crew began to warm to the message. They began to shout, “Amen.” Then came, “Praise the Lord,” and, “glory!” Their fervor inspired him even more and his sermon went on and on. Finally, he said, “Amen.” He dismissed the congregation and walked to his car to leave. As he opened the door to get in, he heard one man say, “I ain’t never seen nothin’ like that before, and I’ve been puttin’ in septic tanks tor thirty years!”

     Now, I will confess, this story probably never really happened. However, it could be a true tale. In my career as a parson I helped get septic tanks and indoor plumbing into several small country churches. An old friend of mine and I started our ministries at the same little church in eastern Tennessee. He started a few years ahead of me. We drove out to see the church about 35 years after we had moved on. The beautiful church sat there as peacefully as it had for 150 years. We walked around and admired the church. We remembered the few faithful families who have kept it alive for generations. Then we looked behind the church down into the woods. Hanging off the side of the hill, now covered with briars and vines, were two outhouses built long before we came there as pastors. Now they are no longer in use. We needed facilities but the paint had all peeled off the signs and neither of us could remember which was the “Women’s” and which was the “Men’s.” We, being rather conservative about such things, decided not to take the risk and perhaps use the wrong one. Besides, they looked lots snakier than the last time we saw them. So we hustled on into town for proper facilities. Nowadays the church has a septic tank but the building was locked up. Shows how things have changed. In the old days we didn’t have locks on churches, outhouses or homes out in the country. We didn’t even have a lock on the jail. I reckon we might have had a lock if we had a jail. There are still lots of folk who haven’t got septic tanks yet. They just aren’t as visible to us as they once were. I guess, if you’re interested in those folk, it all depends on how far you are willing to go to be out in the country any more.

• Back to Archive
• Back to Media Gallery